Rumpelstiltskin Grinder - Buried In The Front Yard... - Relapse Records 2005
Running Time: 34:22
This Philly-bred thrash monstrosity is the musical assassin arm of a supra-elite criminal syndicate whose name was before this only spoken by the lips of their dying foes in back-alley midnights, and usually with the taste of their own blood on their tongue. Well, it had to happen eventually...amid metalcore popularity and white-belted scenedom the call blasted through the underground. The time was nigh for salvation. And that call, my friends, was answered by Rumpelstiltskin Grinder!
And answer they did, as only true repeat offenders could. When lead throat Eli Shaika (not his real name, most obviously) snarls "Go!" amid the blistering speed-metal riffage during the intro to 'Stealing E.T.', you just better damn start going somewhere. And yes, I said it. Speed metal. Lest you worry that I speak of the flashy, operatic speed metal of, say, Dragonforce, I assure you this is not the case. True, oldschool, head-down-and-horns-up Kreator/Witchery/Coroner worship is the call to arms for the Orange And Black Attack. The chorus of 'Orange And Black Attack', with its "No! We're! Not Fucking Around!" declaration will have those floor-punching, kung fu amateurs running for the sidelines as the bulletbelted, black fingerless gloves of RsG members and devotees crank up circle pits the world over. There's a little bit of Exodus in the galloping 'Grab A Shovel (We've Got Bodies To Bury)', but take heart. Rumpelstiltskin Grinder aren't just treading the old retro scene because it's fashionable. As a matter of fact, the lung-skewering leads and double-kick thunder of RsG haven't been "in style" since the days of Vio-lence and the much-underrated Onslaught. RsG plays this music because it's what causes the blackened hearts of the Orange And Black Attack to beat 666 times faster, thereby raising the skill level of their criminal activities. 'Unleash The Troll' alternately rumbles and races over the battlefield like so many tanks stuck in overdrive with cannons blazing, and - fittingly - the album ends with 'Ode To Tanks', a thrashfest on par with anything on The Haunted's debut.
You can tell when a band's just farting out songs for easy cash, and you can tell when a band is playing from their gut. In the case of Rumpelstiltskin Grinder, best not to stand too near them, or the guts they'll be playing with will be yours. This album is proof positive that sometimes, crime pays very well indeed.