13 - Black Heart Northern Soul - Distort Entertainment
Running Time: Too Fuckin' Long
I'll make this short and to the point, much like Damn 13 do
with their debut release, and save us all some time. Black
Heart Northern Soul is a failure on every front. Begun in 1998
by former Monster Voodoo Machine (I know, 'nuff said, right?)
vocalist Adam Sewell, Toronto's Damn 13 might have done well
to just call this album We Really Like COC And The Hellacopters...Like...Alot.
Still, flattery only works when it's flattering, and in this
case Damn 13 couldn't hit the broad side of a good, memorable
song if they tried.
A-Go-Go' (remember Nike A-Go-Go by The Misfits, anyone?)
has all the drive and energy of the band who plays
your local bar from Wednesday through Friday nights, and
makes you only show up on Saturdays. Ever since COC started
off on their biker-rock kick back in 1994, it seems they
haven't been able to whip out their dicks to take a piss
bands musically sucking them off to varying degrees of
success. 'Broken Wings' wants to rock badly, but just can't
seem to get off the ground, and the lyrics of 'Rocket Fuel'
were most likely lifted from the bathroom wall of Toronto's
Sneaky D's during a late night Labatt bender. Regardless
if it's party rock or not, put some thought into the lyrics,
please. Fuck, Clutch has been doing it for damn near fifteen
years and show no signs of slowing. Most of the songs on
Black Heart Northern Soul follow the same lyrical pattern,
in fact. It goes something like "Mention Jesus, booze,
the Devil, and bonus points if we can work a model of car
or the word "broken" into the song somehow.".
Damn 13 claims to have "driven at least one nail into
the nu metal coffin". Well, that's all well and good,
but we can't just ignore that Sewell helped foist that
very sound onto the public in MVM. Call it what you will,
but Black Heart Northern Soul smacks of a Spinal Tap-ish
mockery, and it doesn't taste good going down. 'High Friends
In Low Places' is standard at best, Sewell's faux-redneck
accent becoming less laughable and more genuinely irritating
by this point, and the time spent listening to 'Shine'
in a live setting would surely be better spent waiting
in line for the bathroom. Closing the album is 'Anywhere
But Here', in which the boys strap on acoustics and proceed
to bore the living shit out of you for around eight minutes,
all the while calling the song "epic". The sinking
of the Titanic was "epic" as well, don't forget.
I promised brevity here, though, so here's a short mathematical
formula to help you out. Black Heart + Northern Soul =
Wasted Time. My invoice for time spent on this beer coaster
of a disc is in the mail.